Sunday, August 10, 2008

A mantra (for a weary parent)

Remember this time. I say this to myself when I have been rocking Jonah for what seems like hours as he ever so slowly, slowly falls asleep after nursing. I just want to get up and make my dinner. I get impatient. If only he would sleep so I could put him in his crib without him crying, I could finally get up and get something done, I think. I look down at his face in the soft light, in the twilight. I see his long, beautiful eyelashes. His perfect skin glows. His lips make a soft, sucking motion as if he is still at my breast. I feel the weight of his growing body in my lap, in my arms. Remember this time. I say this to myself. Remember this time. He grows and grows every day. Today, he pulled himself up to standing. It was amazing. I remember when he couldn't even lift his own head. When he cries and wails because something is not right in his world, I hold him. Frustration could get the best of me. It has. It does. Sometimes not. He seems inconsolable. I hold him and bounce him in my arms and tell him it is OK. I try to be patient because he needs me but I wish I could just put him down and play with him. I wish he would be happy so I can continue on with my plans for the day. But, as he cries and whimpers, I think, remember this time. It will not last forever. He will not be a baby forever. He will not be my baby forever. Soon, he will be walking, talking. I don't want to forget these times, even when they are trying, even when things are tough. One day, I will long to hold him on my lap, in my arms, as he sleeps. I will long to wrap my arms around him and whisper in his ear that it's alright. One day, he will not let me do these things. I won't remember my impatience, my frustration. I will remember the heft of his small body. I will remember his warm, salty tears. I will remember this time. I remind myself to try every day. ~ Nicole