A leap of faith

I just made one of the most important decisions of my life. I have decided to become a "stay at home mom." It's strange to see those words and associate them with myself. I'm definitely still integrating this new job title into my view of myself.

I've been working in some way since I was 15, when I got my first summer job in the cafeteria of the hospital where I was born. Then, I had various jobs each and every summer, including working at a miniature golf course, cleaning motel rooms, and as a cashier at a department store. In college, I worked in the cafeteria and the library as a way to help pay for school, and during long breaks I did some filing at an insurance agency and then sought out my own internship writing for the local newspaper. After graduation, I was without a job for about a month -- it felt like the longest month of my life as I hunted for my first "real" job -- before landing a job as a newspaper reporter. I was 21 then and have been in the workforce ever since, moving from one job to the next without more than a week or two off in between. On top of all that, my mom always worked. Even my grandmother always worked. I don't come from a long line of stay at home moms. Quite the opposite, in fact. Now, 20 years after my very first summer job, I am, on paper at least, "unemployed."

But, of course, I am employed with all the things that go into taking care of and raising Jonah. It is by far the hardest job I've ever done, but it is also, by far, the best job I've ever had. It's 24/7 with no time off -- unless you count my extra long hot shower tonight that I took right after putting Jonah to sleep with Matthew on baby duty -- but it's the most fun job in the world. No two days are the same and my rewards include Jonah's bright, big, blue-eyed grin when I tell him I love him. That is priceless.

But, it was nerve-wracking getting here. It took weeks of "talks" between Matthew and me, days and days of number crunching and an honest, hard look at our budget and our values and our commitment to making it work on one income for a while. Once we decided that we wanted to do this and could handle it financially (though, believe me, it's going to be tight for a while), I had to fortify myself for the big phone call to work. I started by actually saying out loud to people I know and love, "I've decided to quit my job." Then, I needed a deadline, so I made one, and then agonized and stressed and worried more and more as that day approached. Finally, I sucked it up and made the call. Along the way, my family and friends were super supportive, which I have to admit, I was kind of surprised by. I'm not sure why, but I thought I might encounter more people who disagreed with my decision, but every single person I told was 100% supportive, and not only that, they were happy for me. I thought of this when I made the big call to my boss, hoping that my friends' support would help me when my boss started screaming at me for leaving them high and dry and making a stupid decision. But, even my boss was not only understanding, but also totally supportive of my decision, even though sad to see me go. Since then, I've heard from others, coworkers, and even Jonah's pediatrician, who are so happy for me that I have made the choice to stay home with Jonah while he is little. They are proud of me. And, I am proud of me. And, I am also proud of Matthew for supporting and embracing my new role. I feel like I am doing what I've always meant to be doing right now, even though I didn't know it before.

I have a lot to learn and feel lucky to know a few awesome moms, both those who work outside the home and stay at home moms (they even have an acronym, SAHMs), who have already taught me a lot. This is an exciting new adventure for me and I couldn't be happier. Once, at a very important time in my life some years ago, I promised myself that no matter what, I would have no regrets. Then, life got back to normal and I maybe lost sight of that commitment to myself a little. Now, I can be true to that again because no matter what I know I will never regret my decision to take care of Jonah. (I hope that doesn't sound preachy. I'm certainly not knocking any mom's decision, whether to work or not. Everyone's gotta do what works for them.)

I'm stealing this Theodore Roosevelt quote from my good friend Abbie, who used it in an email she sent around when she decided to stop working after her second child was born, but I think it's worth repeating: "The good mother, the wise mother . . . is more important to the community than even the ablest man; her career is more worthy of honor and is more useful to the community than the career of any man, no matter how successful." ~ Nicole

p.s. Jonah's latest stats: 13.3 pounds, 23 1/4 inches long. Happy and healthy, he had a good checkup today.