Life is Long

I turn forty today and I think I'm ok with it. Naturally I've been taking stock lately and thinking about all those years. The fact is, I'm happier than I've ever been and that makes getting older a lot easier. Not that I like the sound of forty - I don't. There are implications to that number. It's comes with a lot of negative hype that's hard to shake.

When I was younger, I assumed life at forty would be life with all the fun sucked out. I could have never imagined what lay ahead of me. In short, I figured some things out and I found love. I should say, I found love and then I figured some things out. Love is the best and most important thing that has ever happened to me. I never knew how deep and layered and complicated love would be. Or how the hard parts would make it better. Or how love could actually give birth to new life. Last night Nicole and I, after an exhausting day-long road trip, decided to take Jonah out for a stroller ride. We needed two things: to get Jonah some fresh air and to get us some take-out for dinner. As we sat outside the restaurant waiting for our order, I held Jonah and he squeezed my neck with his little arms and put his head down on my shoulder. It was a beautiful night and I felt so happy, so thankful. I met the love of my life and she loves me back. We made Jonah and he is the greatest thing in the world. I have good health and good food to eat and a nice place to live and a fun job and great friends.

I remember sitting in my dear friend Debbie's kitchen some 20 years ago, worrying aloud about some relationship turmoil and the state of my crazy family. At the time I remember feeling like my life was such a mess. Like things were so screwed up and would never be right. She said "Matthew, don't worry. Life is long." She was right. It is long and it is good. Happy Birthday to me.

Milestone alert!

Jonah rolled over today! Matthew saw it first when he mercifully took Jonah out into the living room after the baby woke up at 5 a.m. (!!!) today, letting me sleep a bit longer. I first heard the news of the rollover when Matthew brought Jonah back to me a little while later when Jonah was ready to eat again. When I got up, I put Jonah on the floor and watched him all morning. He kept rolling from his back to his side, but didn't seem to be able to make it any farther. Then, we went out for a while this morning, met some other stay-at-home moms and did some baby yoga. Then, it was home for a nap (for both of us). After the nap, I put Jonah down on the floor on his back, and within seconds, he did it! He rolled quickly from back to side and then with one more push he was over on his belly, looking happy and very pleased with himself. Jonah is already a very active little boy. I'm sure this is just the beginning. Oh, and he turns 5 months old tomorrow! ~ Nicole

My fabulous Saturday night

6:16 p.m. Jonah looks sleepy. Change diaper. Strip down to just onesie and socks for bed.
6:26 p.m. Lie in bed reading "Time for Bed" and "Good Night Moon." Jonah acts hungry toward end of second book. Skim last few pages and start nursing.
6:45 p.m. Jonah is holding his feet, ala happy baby yoga pose, smiling and rocking. Does not seem sleepy. Rubs face once in a while so I know he is tired.
6:46 p.m. Move to rocker to nurse on other side. Jonah seems less sleepy than before.
6:56 p.m. Move back to bed. Try to nurse Jonah to sleep. No cigar.
6:57 p.m. Jonah spits up on his onesie.
6:58 p.m. Change Jonah into footy pajamas. Put in Ergo carrier and head out for a walk.
7:17 p.m. Jonah asleep in carrier.
7:30 p.m. Carefully unload Jonah. Swaddle him - badly. Swaddle him again. He fights it and cries. Hold him, pat his back, sing to him. His eyes are wide open and he's looking around the bedroom.
7:35 p.m. Take him to rocker. Undo top of swaddle. Nurse him some more.
7:40 p.m. Jonah is asleep. Redo swaddle. Again, he fights it, wakes up.
7:45 p.m. Back in carrier. Back outside.
7:46 p.m. Jonah spits up, but just a little. I wipe it off and keep walking.
7:48 p.m. Spits up again. A lot!
7:52 p.m. Back home. Change Jonah into new pajamas.
8:00 p.m. Call Matthew, who is working, in desperation. Tell him I'm tempted to just keep Jonah up until he gets home.
8:05 p.m. I put Jonah on the bed and feed the cats. Jonah cries. The cats cry. I cry.
8:10 p.m. Jonah is in bouncy seat. I'm drinking chamomile tea. Jonah fusses. Then cries. I just look at him.
8:11 p.m. Back in carrier. Back outside. Jonah cries up and down several streets. People stare at me. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and wonder what's going on with my hair. People are walking to their Saturday night activities, dressed nicely, carrying bottles of wine, flowers. High heels click on the sidewalk. I hear every sound.
8:22 p.m. Jonah quiets but is still awake. He rubs his face on his hands, my chest.
8:40 p.m. Jonah is asleep. I walk a little more for good measure.
8:50 p.m. Slowly and carefully unload Jonah from carrier into swaddle. I do the swaddle as fast as possible. Jonah fusses and cries. I pat his back, sway, sing. His head droops. He lifts it up. It droops again.
8:56 p.m. I slowly lower him into his cradle.
8:57 p.m. Matthew sends me a text saying he'll be home soon.
9:00 p.m. I pour myself more tea. As I'm about to sip, Jonah cries. I pick him up, pat his back, sway, shush him. He drifts off. I lower him back down.
9:05 p.m. Look in mirror. Examine lines in my forehead. Consider going right to bed. Decide to finish tea.
9:37 p.m. Jonah sleeps. The cats sleep. I will sleep ... soon.
~ Nicole