Turns out you can get a lot done during chemo. During the
year my mother battled lung cancer, I was often the one who accompanied her to
her treatments. I went out of a sense of duty, so she wouldn’t have to be
alone, and to educate myself about her disease.
I also went looking for shreds of hope that my mother would
not die. I needed to be near her.
Her diagnosis with lung cancer in the fall of 1999 changed
everything. Just a few years earlier, my 53-year-old mother, a busy realtor,
had started working out at a gym and lost weight. She felt younger than her
salt-and-pepper gray hair made her look, so she decided to go blond. She looked
great driving around to appointments in her white Saab, talking on her car
phone.
“Someday I’ll have a
convertible,” she said, tossing her hair.
She joked with my sister and me
that we shouldn’t rush into marriage and having babies.
“I’m too young to be a
grandmother,” she said.
I, too, was having the time of my life when my mom got sick.
I was looking forward to my wedding to Matthew, who proposed to one summer
night on a beach on Cape Cod. I was 27 and living in Boston since being
promoted to State House bureau chief by the newspaper where I worked. Matthew
and I were still enjoying the glow of a newly engaged couple. Even at work,
typing my stories, I smiled every time the sparkle of my diamond ring caught my
eye.
When I visited Matthew, even though my parents’ lived in the
next town, I spent little time at their house. It was one of my mother’s
running jokes that she had to get reports of my whereabouts from our mutual
friend Debbie, who lived next door to Matthew.
“Have you seen my daughter lately?” my mother would ask
Debbie. “I heard her car was parked on Garfield Street.
“Is she married yet? Does she
have any kids?”
Mom could really crack herself
up.
That September, on the night of my parents’ 25th
high school reunion, my father raced my mother to the hospital while she held a
bag of frozen peas to her side.
I was visiting Matthew when she
called me from the hospital the next morning.
“I’m going to see a specialist,” my mother said.
“Oh,” I said, imagining, just
for a moment, that the floor had shifted below my feet.
I leaned against a stool, cradling the phone on my shoulder.
My hands went to my forehead, pushing back my hair. I didn’t want to ask the
next question. But I had to. I didn’t know it yet, but I was already defying my
own expectations of myself.
“What kind of specialist?” I said.
“They found an admor . . .
abnormality on my X-ray,” she said.
Mom always had trouble pronouncing certain words. It was
something about which my family often poked fun of her. In fact, my mother was
always an easy target for my father, my sister, and me. We made fun of her
stammering and difficulty articulating herself, especially when she got
excited. We made fun of her inability to drink more than one and a half glasses
of wine before getting tipsy, calling her a cheap date. When she nagged us for
not cleaning our rooms or using too much salt on our food we told her to “take
a pill” or “take a back pill.” We called her clumsy or “clutzy” – as my
grandmother liked to say – because she was always stubbing her toe on the
furniture, a trait she passed on to me.
“What kind of specialist?” I
asked again.
I was both angry and relieved when Mom didn’t answer my
question directly. I don’t know what forced me to ask again. I knew the answer
and yet I couldn’t believe it.
“An oncologist,” she said.
I sat down fully on the stool,
not trusting the floor, not trusting my legs.
“But,” I paused, “that’s a
cancer doctor.”
Silence.
“Why would you be going to see a
cancer doctor?” I said.
There was something creeping up my throat that felt like a
scream. I swallowed hard, stifling it for now.
“There’s what they’re calling an abnormality on my X-ray, a
spot on my X-ray,” she said. “So the specialist is going to check it out. Check
out the abnormality. It’s good that I’m seeing a specialist.”
A few days later I was lying next to my mother in hospital
bed after a biopsy confirmed her doctors’ suspicions that she had cancer. My
mother did not ask me to lie with her, but a need to be near her and touch her
was overpowering.
She was lying on her side, favoring the hip where doctors
had drilled into her bone to test for cancer. I crawled on the bed behind her
and wrapped my arm over her side, careful to avoid the painful spot on her hip
and buried my face into the back of her neck.
I thought I was comforting my mother by lying with her in
her hospital bed, but in doing so, I was hoping to receive some comfort from
her.
On the morning of her first chemotherapy treatment, Mom wore
a button-down shirt. This would make it easy for the nurse to access the
catheter that had been surgically placed in my mother’s upper chest, just under
the skin near her collar bone. The catheter was connected to a vein and would
allow the nurse to deliver the chemotherapy drugs, directly into my mother’s
bloodstream without having to stick a needle in her arm every week.
“I probably shouldn’t have worn
white,” Mom said that morning.
She was told she’d lose her hair, so she’d picked out a wig
even before starting treatment. That first morning, we took photos so she could
see what she’d look like wearing it. In one photo, my mother sits between me
and my father on the couch in their living room. My father is smiling with his
arm around my mother. Like so many photos of my mother, this one captures her
between smiles, and she looks as if she was caught by surprise. She looks
directly into the camera, her brown eyes wide and mouth in a half-smile. Her
hand is at her head, holding the wig as it slides sideways down her head. I sit
next to them, kissing my mother’s cheek.
Chemotherapy is much more
mundane that I had expected. It’s less invasive than going to the dentist. You
don’t have to change into a hospital gown. You wear your own clothes. It’s like
giving blood, without all the blood.
Most patients at the oncology
clinic had their treatments in a large room. Reclining chairs lined the four
walls facing a nurses’ station in the middle of the room. The patients’ chairs
were separated by curtains for privacy.
For the treatment, a nurse hooks up an IV that contains a cocktail of
chemotherapy drugs to your arm or a catheter. Then, you wait. You wait until the
IV bag is empty. It usually takes about 30 minutes for the IV bag to fully
drain, and you can be in and out of the clinic in less than an hour.
While you’re there, you can get
up to go to the bathroom, with your IV bag in tow, or get a snack or a drink
from the communal kitchen. You can even walk around in the clinic or visit with
other patients, though that rarely happened. To pass the time, patients usually
watched one of the several television sets mounted from the ceiling around the
room or flipped through magazines.
Over the next year, my mother
and I used the stretches of time during chemo time to plan my wedding. We
consulted each other’s calendars and synchronized our daily routines to fit in
time for dress fittings and seating charts. During chemo, my mother bragged to
her nurses about my upcoming wedding, while I sat beside her with my arms
loaded with bridal magazines and disorganized folders of guest lists.
My mother and I always got along
well. We never experienced the bitter battles that many mothers and daughters
do at certain times in their lives, the struggles for power that often stem
from a mutual resentment. But while my mother and I were always close and found
it easy to show our love for each other, until her diagnoses our lives were
quite separate. We did not discuss the intimate details of our lives. I was not
the kind of daughter who called my mother my best friend. She was not the kind
of mother who involved me in her arguments with my father. But during the year
between her diagnoses and her death – the year that I coincided with my
engagement and wedding –I gradually came to know her fears and triumphs almost
as intimately as my own.
Those hour-long chemo sessions were jewels of stolen time
for use. Chemo paused our hectic “before cancer” lives, forcing us to stop
moving, sit together in a room and share a space in time.
There were some things about my wedding that my mom couldn’t
help me with. Since she had lost her appetite she didn’t bother tasting cakes
with me. When a treatment had left her sick and weak, it was my father who
accompanied me to my appointment with the florist to pick out my bouquet.
After chemo, my mother usually
felt tired and nauseated for a few days. Sometimes she didn’t feel like eating
much. Sometimes she needed blood transfusions to boost her white blood cell
count, when her resistance to infections was knocked down by chemo drugs.
At first she tolerated the
treatments well. As the months went by, and she began to have more pain, then
weakness and seizures – a sign that the cancer had metastasized to her brain.
But, through it all, she never asked me to alter my plans because of her
illness or to change my wedding date, even when her body began failing her as
my wedding approached.
My mother prepared for my wedding in her own way. With the
help of friends and family, she had a fresh coat of paint applied to the walls
of several of the rooms of her house. She made sure the guest room, my old
bedroom, was neat and orderly. Decorated with a rose-patterned bedspread and
matching curtains, it was pretty enough for any bride getting ready for her
wedding. She had even sent my father out one night to purchase the finishing
touch at a local department store – a full length cherry dressing mirror she
had seen advertised in the newspaper that morning.
Eventually, she spent a lot of time resting and fighting the
pain. When I visited her at home, I often found her sitting in front of the
television swaying back and forth in a rocking pink recliner – a gift from her
good friend Jeanne that had become her preferred seat in the house – with her
eyes closed. When I asked her what she was doing she said, cheerfully, “I’m
meditating.”
“What are you watching?” I’d
ask, looking at the television.
“Oh, I don’t know,” she’s say.
“Some stupid show.”
I have no way of knowing if my mother was meditating to ease
her pain or praying that she would not die. Rather than join my father at
church every Sunday morning, mom preferred to stay home, sitting at the kitchen
table drinking coffee and browsing the sale fliers.
“Don’t worry,” Dad said jokingly, “I’ll pray for you
sinners.”
After she became too sick for chemo, her once pin-straight
hair grew back curly and white. Faced with the reality that her body would
neither tolerate nor respond to further treatment, with the prospect of no
recovery, she cried, “I want to see your wedding.” Then, after a moment, she
said, “I want to see my grandchildren.”
People say my wedding kept her going. It kept her mind off
the pain eased only by large doses of morphine and her fate. When my wedding
day finally arrived, she was sicker than she had ever been. Though hospitalized
for several days leading up to it, she somehow mustered the strength to attend
my wedding ceremony, decked out in her best blond wig – by now she had many to
chose from – and the navy blue dress we had picked out together.
After the ceremony, Matthew and I greeted guests as they
filed out of the church. Then, I walked over to my mother, who was waiting for
me in her wheelchair.
“Come over here and give your mother a kiss,” she said,
feigning anger that I had not greeted her sooner.
The next day, we were at her bedside at my parents’ house.
She wanted to die at home. Any notions Matthew and I had of a honeymoon vanished.
The depth of my mother’s sheer physical pain seemed endless and so did her
dying. Large and continuous doses of morphine dulled the pain but also stole
away her consciousness. As her breathing became more and more labored, we
prayed for her suffering to end, for death to come, for the agony of watching
her die to cease.
At 3:50 a.m., five days after my
wedding – after she had watched my tearful father walk me down the aisle as I
beamed with a joy that couldn’t be stifled by any of the pain we had endured in
the past year – my mother died. My sister stood at the foot of her bed, gently
touching my mother’s stocking covered foot. I stood at the side of her bed,
holding her hand. Matthew stood behind me. My father caressed her face as she
took her last breath and cried for his “sweet, sweet baby.” We had prayed for
the relief her death was supposed to bring. When life left her, I was startled to
feel instead only a consuming desire to have her back, even with all the pain
and suffering. I wanted for just five more minutes to hold her warm hand in
mine, to feel the smooth, dry skin and examine the long fingers with their
large knuckles that look so much like my own.